Much to the chagrin of my friends and loved ones. I’ve been spending time with Mate. Together we are sort of unpacking things. It’s not nice and clean and perfect. There’s still some messy emotion on both of our parts and tears happen here and there. There’s love. We are not getting back together.
Last night some things got unveiled. At the end of the day I get it. It wasn’t me, it’s him. He still has some steps to take, mistakes to make and lessons to learn. He wasn’t ready. Timing is everything. It was important to understand that to keep me from playing bad scripts in my head - that i wasn’t good enough, worth fighting for, etc.
A few months ago, I mentioned a Man I Dated (MID). It’s already over. Amicably. It just never got serious. Maybe there were too many walls, maybe not enough chemistry, probably both. I tried to fix. It was a regression on my part, I realize that I’m not supposed to do fixer uppers. Worse yet, is I couldn’t even be clear why I was doing it. I wanted him to want me even though I didn’t have strong feelings for him. It was a screwed up way of trying to validate myself. Still, I’m glad it happened. It woke me up to the hurt I was internalizing.
I’ve had a few dates since then, nothing beyond a 3rd date because love doesn’t need to be forced or prolonged. I’m learning to trust my instincts again and act. Sometimes you have to look backward, even when it hurts, to make sure you learn the lessons so you can move forward.
Of course it wasn’t you, it’s him. Not a thing wrong with you baby.
Sorry it hurts.
michelle O'Neil
January 9th, 2012