Carnal Zen

Most of the world denies it - but almost all of us still believe in magic.  We see shooting stars or pick up wayward pennies and make a silent wishes - just in case.  Some of us call it prayer, others meditation but we all seem to intuitively agree that magic requires a catalyst - some energy that we must set in motion. 

I have not made a New Years resolution. My father prefers the word intention but I haven’t done that either.  In fact, the only thing I have done is decide that I am the catalyst of my dreams. ..even when I’m a little unsure of what they are. 

You don’t have to know where you’re going to be headed in the right direction.  Trust your God, your body and your soul to know it’s own way home.

Like most little girls, I wrote letters at Christmas addressed to the North Pole.  I never noticed that Mr. & Mrs. Claus didn’t have a state or zip code.  I remember trusting my mother to get it to the post office and it truly never occurred to me that she would peek inside.

During later years, I became the coordinator of our family’s christmas lists.  I  nag, cajole and occasionally threaten until everyone has a copy of everyone else’s wish list.  There are no secrets and no disappointments.  In this family - you get exactly what you ask for, every time. 

As I have grown, I have learned to distinguish “what I want” from “what I really want”.  This year was particularly challenging for everyone in my clan to come up with a list.    It wasn’t until I was on the plane to JFK  that I was able to articulate what I really needed…and that’s when I made it, the secret list.

There is nothing to wrap on that list - just hopes and intentions of sharing special moments and traditions while I am in NY.  It’s always the hot chocolate moments that we really remember about the holidays - I hope all of yours were filled with them.  Peace and Joy

I am back.  Happily making jars of homemade pepper jelly, wrapping things with raffia and humming along to life and Sinatra.  The Bah Humbugs are gone - and not a moment too soon. 

I knew I was near the edge when I found myself beating on a neighbors door at 7:30am on Saturday all full of piss and vinegar because his alarm had been going off for over an hour for the 4th day in a row.  Word to the wise - if your alarm clock, which sounds like a fog horn, doesn’t wake you up but wakes the people upstairs…you might have a drinking problem.

Cranky - I re-read half of A Thousand Splendid Suns until I was dragged out to do some South Beach shopping…which evolved into a pleasant afternoon.  I was coaxed into splurging on a FABULOUS New Years ensemble.  (Editors Note: My idea of SPLURGING is getting a signature piece at 50% off to go with my bargain basement wardrobe).  Afterward, Nelson & I had a Pinot Grigio’s on the ever-iconic Lincoln Road (think Birdcage) before it was time to head home and get ready for a holiday party.

Sometimes it’s served up by good friends - other times you may have to stand on the furniture but a different perspective is never far from reach.

It’s been a rocky week.  Tomorrow I’ll try to drag myself from exhaustion into a more festive mood.  There is shopping to complete, a party to attend and a complete lack of energy for either and it sucks.  I’m overdue for a break.  Holiday’s are meant to be a gift, not a burden, it doesn’t count if you don’t engage joyfully.

Sometimes the secret isn’t drawing on some bottomless pit of positivity - it’s just knowing when to fold your hand, to turn in early and trust that tomorrow brings a new Dawn. 

There are a lot of ways to communicate.  There’s passive aggressive leaving the dishmountains in the sink style, crossed arms, half hearted hugs where one party is hunched ass out avoiding embrace, sarcasm, humor and more.  Most of those require interpretation.  Sometimes that’s easier than others.

It is helpful to stop and think about the message we are trying to send and whether, or not, we can be sure it’s the same message being received on the other end.  As a little girl, I remember playing that telephone game - whispering ear to ear around a room until my own words came back to me totally unrecognizable from what I’d spoken.

Communication requires clarity.  It’s really important to let people know how you feel…while you still have the chance.