Carnal Zen

Hesitate. Lean in.  Pull Back.  Contact. Press together.  Seperate. Swoon.  Repeat.

That first kiss mimics the beginning of a new relationship.  It’s a dance, playing with the distance between the two of you, measuring speed, softness, and response of another to the taste of you.  If there’s no swoon, there’s usually no repeat.  When it happens though, it can be pretty big even though a kiss is often regarded as very small. 

Tomorrow is a complete unknown but tonight smells like possibility.

Much to the chagrin of my friends and loved ones.  I’ve been spending time with Mate.  Together we are sort of unpacking things.  It’s not nice and clean and perfect.  There’s still some messy emotion on both of our parts and tears happen here and there.  There’s love.  We are not getting back together.

Last night some things got unveiled.  At the end of the day I get it.  It wasn’t me, it’s him.  He still has some steps to take, mistakes to make and lessons to learn.  He wasn’t ready.  Timing is everything.  It was important to understand that to keep me from playing bad scripts in my head - that i wasn’t good enough, worth fighting for, etc. 

A few months ago, I mentioned a Man I Dated (MID).  It’s already over.  Amicably.  It just never got serious.  Maybe there were too many walls, maybe not enough chemistry, probably both.  I tried to fix.  It was a regression on my part, I realize that I’m not supposed to do fixer uppers.  Worse yet, is I couldn’t even be clear why I was doing it.  I wanted him to want me even though I didn’t have strong feelings for him.  It was a screwed up way of trying to validate myself.  Still, I’m glad it happened.  It woke me up to the hurt I was internalizing.

I’ve had a few dates since then, nothing beyond a 3rd date because love doesn’t need to be forced or prolonged.   I’m learning to trust my instincts again and act.  Sometimes you have to look backward, even when it hurts, to make sure you learn the lessons so you can move forward. 

Last night MID (a man I’m dating) called me his “fun muse”.  In that spirit I’ve decided to set some superficial goals for the week instead of the responsible ones I’m normally flogging myself about.  Here’s 3 so far and eager for suggestions or to hear yours.

1.  See a sunrise.

2. Make Salted Caramel Apples

3. Try my hand at soapmaking (again).

Tis the season where folks stock up on house decorations, delve into crafting to endure the winter cold, add new boots and sweaters to the wordrobe, buy cookbooks with new approaches to cooking a Turkey and gifts for family - whether they are needed or not. We stock up on stuff.  Lots of stuff.

I live in a 750 square foot apartment with only a linen closet and a bedroom closet for storage.  Thus, it could be argued that I have less stuff than the masses for lack of garage or basement in which to hide my hoard.  Still -  my tendency to have multiple interests and hobbies has the house bursting at the seams.

Yesterday, I helped KAT move into her new space.  Since she’s been such a nomad the last few years I brought her some necessities to get by.  One knife, one pan, one spoon, one fork, one cup, one plate and a coozie to keep her beer cold.  As we unloaded the kitchen cabinet looked sparse, but uncluttered, and I threatened to by her waffle makers, culinary torches and generaly fill up the space with kitchen toys that rarely get used.  She balked.  I laughed. 

Nevertheless it was a good reminder to take inventory, declutter my space and play with the toys I already own while saving up for my next adventure! 

When people show you who they are….believe them ~Maya Angelou

I’ve always fallen for potential.  I see the boundless possibilities and celebrate the promise in the people and situations around me.  At 33, it’s taken me a long time to realize that what you see…is probably what you get.  Why was this so difficult a lesson?  Potential hasn’t happened yet .  Love can only happen in the present.  These are things I should know by now, lessons I should have learned.  Yet nomatter how many dissapointments I face, my Pollyanna syndrome persists.  I don’t want to give up my optimism but I’m working to make decisions with my feet on the ground.

Once a day, we should ask ourselves “If this is all there is, is it good enough?”  If the answer is no, we have some work to do because there is no better time than now to be happy.